America’s Iran Blindspot Is Bipartisan
Tucker Folding Ted In Half, Dispensationalism For Dummies, WMD’s, And The End Of The World
Let’s start with the clips of Tucker and Ted that have been floating around social media. You gotta admit, Ted is not Tucker’s equal—Tucker folds Ted in half in a couple ways. So I’ll begin there.
Ted said that he grew up being told in Sunday school that “those who bless Israel will be blessed.” So did I. Every time my parents meet a Jew they “bless” them, especially my mum. Why? Because even tho she isn’t a Dispensationalist, she reads like one.
And if you don’t know what Dispensationalism is, Ted Cruz gave a crayon sketch of it on Tucker this week. Here is Nathan Finochio’s Dispensationalism For Dummies—so you can understand American geo-political fascination with Israel:
Dispensationalism is the theological equivalent of a Fast & Furious sequel: overcomplicated, wildly popular in America, and absolutely convinced it’s saving the world. The first idea is kinda cool and then the next seven installments are more and more retarded, like that clone from Multiplicity that put a slice of pizza in his wallet.
But here’s the kicker—the real lunacy—and why it matters:
In this system, Israel is the golden child of God’s plan.
The Church?
The red-headed stepson headed to boarding school.
And a fitting metaphor?
God’s a divorced dad with two kids—Israel and the Church. Israel gets the family business, the lake house, and the actual covenant promises. The Church gets a Zoom call on Sundays and Michael Tait as a sitter. Because the Church becomes so dysfunctional and beat down by the world, it gets raptured. Israel finishes the job of worldwide revival—right after the Third Temple and sacrificial system (moo) is rebuilt.
That’s not a joke. That’s the system.
The Church isn’t the fulfillment of Israel. The Church is a pause button—a temporary plan B while God figures out how to get His “real” people back on track.
And this isn’t some fringe idea with a tent revival and tambourines. This is the unspoken scaffolding of American foreign policy. Why does Middle America get giddy about arming Tel Aviv to the teeth? Because in their theological schema, God can’t end the world until Israel is thriving, temple rebuilt, and the Jews are perfectly positioned for the Antichrist to betray them.
No Israel = no End Times = no Jesus coming back with a sword and a white horse and a tattoo.
So yes—millions of Americans like Lyin’ Ted believe the modern nation-state of Israel is the ticking eschatological stopwatch for Jesus’ return. Not because of reason. Not because of church history. But because a 19th-century Scottish teenager had a vision, and John Nelson Darby decided it made a lit prophecy chart.
Never mind the Church being the Body of Christ, the Bride, the New Jerusalem—in this framework, it’s an annoying interlude in God’s cosmic rom-com with national Israel. A divine parentheses.
And people wonder why American evangelicals vote the way they do.
So to recap:
God = divorced parent.
Israel = favored son.
Church = stepchild who gets airlifted out before things get violent.
Foreign policy = shaped by theology that interprets Revelation through global headlines
You did it—well done—you understand Dispensationalism now.
Now, in Ted’s mind, he’s gotta support Israel. And you see these dudes all over social media. Josh Howerton, a guy whose content I so enjoy (like 99.99%), recently posted a Dispensational tirade on how Iran could be the hinge upon which the door to Armageddon turns. And all the latticework was this immediate reading of Daniel and Revelation.
It’s not just recent scholarship (the church didn’t teach it for 1900 years), it’s shoddy.
Now there is something you gotta know about me—I’m pretty much a Zionist. I think Israel is the Jews home turf, and they’ve got the receipts. I don’t support political Israel for theological reasons, I do for the political reasons that the Saudis and Jordanians and now Egyptians do: Israel is stable. They don’t attack people that don’t attack them. They make you rich. They are invested in the region and in the prosperity of the region.
There—there’s my bias. I think it’s strategic to admit your biases so that you can be aware of them, as well as everyone else can.
Tucker goes on to suggest that Ted should know Khomenei’s falafel order before he starts advocating for the bombing of Iran, which is absurd.
A lot of people like Tucker because he’s willing to get the story that the American media—even the American Conservative media—are unwilling to get. I like it. But both he and the left are wrong about Iran for the same reasons, and here they are:
